The thing is, it always comes back to this.  This feeling of just dread and regret.  I’ve tried so hard to stop falling, failing, crying, hating, breaking, destroying, everything.  All aspects of my life.  From 15-24 I have been nothing but the same mess hiding behind so much chaos.  I’m happy, then sad, then depressed, then hateful towards myself.  Then I hate my mind, I try to stop it, it never stops.  I’ve tried loving life, living, experiencing life, talking to others, creating, laughing, seeing all that there is to be seen, and learning.  All that is constant is this sadness.  I’m done surviving, I’m done trying, I’m done laughing, I’m done creating, I’m done experiencing, I’m done loving others, myself, I’m done learning the same woes, I’m done.   

depression stops, it does’t end, but fight it.  You can survive. I know because I did.  

Even when everything is ok, life is good, job is settled, gotta lover, great parents, for some reason….it still calls. And it fucks with me and I can’t make it stop. No matter how much medication, no matter how many times I switch it, no matter how many days I go free from my mind. It’s still there. And it always will be. It disgusts me. I disgust me. It never ends.

I haven’t cut for 2 months.